Starcrossed
by Banks123
Summary: The story of Jen and Tilly.
1. Quitting

_"You know Tilly, your girlfriend, not ringing any bells?"_ Neil furiously spat out at me

_"Shhh, how'd you know about that?"_ I could feel my heart suddenly pounding in my chest, panic rising up from the sudden revelation that he knew about us.

_"Look, it doesn't matter, you know I've known Tilly for some years and the Tilly I know, she don't quit college for nobody!"_ My mind had been a blur but I caught onto the end of his sentence... quit college? I stopped in confusion...

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"This morning she comes up to me saying she's gonna quit college, is this because of you?"_ my head was reeling, unable to take in all that was going on ... Neil knows, Tilly quitting college _"What? you don't feel guilty?"_ Neil questioned me, an air of disgust in his tone, I shook my head in disbelief

_"There's no way Tilly would quit college, you underestimate her, she's her own woman, I've got no power over her"_ I answered trying to sound convincing despite my own questioning. This isn't where all this was meant to go. Tilly dropping out of college - she wouldn't do this. She, and everyone around her, had such high hopes for her future. The prospect of Cambridge virtually knocking on her door. Her dreams of becoming a doctor within reach of her perfectly formed hands.

_"What kind of person let's their A* student drop out"_ responded Neil, unconvinced by my way of thinking. Eyeing me up and down, he shook his head and walked off, leaving me alone with my thoughts on the bridge. Five minutes ago, I'd been stood here worrying how I was going to find a job away from Hollyoaks sixth form and now all that seemed to pale in comparison to what was happening with Tilly.

From the moment I had seen her, I knew she was different. I felt tingles every time she looked at me and once I kissed her, I knew I couldn't go back. The sensation of her lips, the feel of her body against mine, the softness of her pale skin, forever implanted in my mind. God knows, I had fought so hard to resist her but it was sheer torture seeing her at college and not being able to touch her. And so, I gave in to temptation. She was my student and I, her teacher. I could go to jail. But I couldn't help myself, I couldn't stay away, I couldn't pull myself away from the magnetic force that was Tilly Evans. I knew it was wrong in so many ways but I loved her. I had spent the summer living in a delusional state but now reality had unexpectedly come crashing down like an avalanche, Neil was right, I was ruining her life.

* * *

Tilly bounced past me into my bedroom, completely naive to my now tormented state, her joyful mood, a complete contrast to my sombre frame of mind. The sight of her, remorselessly bringing butterflies to my stomach. _"Tilly...what has gotten into you, Diane just..."_

_"You"_ she cut me off, plonking herself down on the edge of my bed

_"And can you also explain to me how your friend Neil knows about us and why I had to hear about it from him"_ I continued, trying to find plausible answers from the girl in front of me

_"Oh its cool! He won't tell a soul"_ she retorted, scrunching her nose in the process. I reeled my head back in surprise at her somewhat blasé response to my concern. _"Listen"_ she commanded, clearly excited by whatever was on her mind _"today, I had the best day and it was all because of you, it was like empowerment and freedom and joy, all at once."_ I couldn't grasp what she was talking about, her rambling was like jargon to my already confused brain.

_"What are you talking about"_ I questioned.

_"Read it"_ she merrily stated, pushing her mobile phone into my hand _"and do it in your best teachers voice"_

I looked down at the phone, noticing it was presently connected to her emails. An email addressed to the college currently on display.

_"Dear Mr Keeler"_ I started, reading the email _"I wanted to let you know in writing that I will no longer be attending Hollyoaks sixth form college as of next school term"_ Neil was right, she was quitting college. Oh God. _"Tilly?"_ I weakly said, a question rising from the tone of my voice _"Tell me this is some kind of joke?"_ Tilly sat in front of me, still appearing ecstatic despite her revelation, my obvious state of panic failing to diminish her high spirits. She cheerily shook her head at me, a gesture of an unwavering no. _"Oh god!"_ I threw my head back in despair, the reality of the situation, almost too much for me to bare _"What about your education? Your life? Your future?"_ I shouted at her, trying to make her see sense

_"You are all of those things to me"_ Tilly answered back, standing up from where she had sat, scanning my face with her beautiful blue eyes. I wanted to scream and shout. I wanted to make her see the logic of my despair. But she was determined, _"me and you we're together in this..." _She slowly moved forward, her eyes following the outline of my lips seductively, placing her hands either side of my face she pulled me gently forward into a soft kiss. In an act of resistance, I feebly pushed her back, her joy dropping for a slight second at the knock back. She could sense my weakness. She scanned my face once again, a sly smile returning to her lips. She could see the want in my face. I couldn't deny that I wanted her. The mere thought of her made me weak at my knees. And now here she was standing in my room, eagerly trying to kiss me. She moved forward again, more forcefully this time, pushing her velvety lips against mine, pushing me back against the closed door behind me. She was undeniably a turn-on and she knew what effect she had on me. Her left hand, slowly making its way down my body sending shivers up my spine. She was impossible to resist. My body ached for more, despite what my head was telling me. My back arched impulsively in response to her wondering hand that had found its way between my legs. _"Tilly..."_ I gasped, still trying, without much energy, to resist her efforts, her lips, now tracing a line across my collarbone. I could feel her skin beneath my finger tips, my hands unconsciously moving underneath her summer top, up her back, towards the fastening of her bra.


	2. Bedroom

I loved when she took control and right now I was powerless as she forcibly pushed me down onto the bed and pulled my knickers down my legs, carelessly flinging them across my room. God I was so wet. My mind completely blank from my earlier concerns, I couldn't think of anything else apart from how much I wanted her right now. She teasingly trailed her tongue slowly down my body, stopping every so often to produce a kiss, a suck, a bite, making her way towards the inside of my thighs. A moan escaped my lips. Suddenly her eyes were upon me, lustful, a knowing smile reaching her face. My whole body ached for her now. I tried to turn this around, wanting her to somehow feel how I was feeling right now, but she pushed me back down. _"Naughty, naughty Miss Gilmore"_ she whispered, shaking her head with a laugh. Her hands captured my own, moving them above my head, her mouth suddenly on mine, her tongue gently parting my lips, and expertly massaging my own.

Her fingers trailed back down my naked body, stopping briefly at my bellybutton as our kiss became more fervent, before they skilfully moved between my legs. I could feel a smile forming on her perfectly created mouth. _"You're so wet"_ she breathed heavily into my ear, manoeuvring her fingers lightly over my core. I let out a gasp, a sweet _"fuck"_ escaping my lips. How did she do this? How did she make me completely powerless? She was like a temptress, a force pulling me under her spell. Her fingers were inside me now and her head between my legs - I couldn't take it much longer. My right hand gripped the pillow behind my head as my left made its way towards her head, entwining my fingers around her hair. I could barely breathe, my heart pounding out my chest. My body arched uncontrollably, I could feel the pressure building up inside me. She could sense it, sense that I was about to lose complete control, her movements becoming more eager - impatient for my release. I let go, _"Oh god, Till...y"_ I struggle, a rush of blood to my head, a wave of heat and pure pleasure, a release of tension exploding through my body. My head involuntarily moving back into the pillow, a loud moan escaping me. I could suddenly feel her; feel her kissing my exposed neck, sucking at it, nibbling my ear. My whole body was tingling, I was completely spent. Fuck me. She was fucking amazing.

It's not long before my troubles return; my worries overrunning my brain. Tilly dozing next to me, her naked body carelessly wrapped around me, a reminder of our lovemaking. I was completely torn, the girl I loved was lying next to me, a pure temptation, against the thoughts now raging through my head. What was I thinking? Neil had been right... I was ruining her life just by being with her... how could I do this? I love her. I don't want her to risk her future and let go of all her dreams. I have to force myself away from the sleeping body that lay snuggled in my bed, completely oblivious to my inner turmoil. Sitting up, I seized my playsuit that had found its way to the floor next to the bed and grabbed my bra that was balancing off the edge of my bedside lampshade, putting them back on slowly, eager not to wake her.

I needed to move myself away from her. Place myself across the room until she woke. I needed not to touch her. I knew my resistance would easily succumb to her if I was too close. I needed to talk to her, explain her mistakes. As I pulled the final strap over my shoulder, I felt her hand stroking my back gently, lovingly, tempting me back into her fold. I couldn't. I was too late and I couldn't bare this. I awkwardly reached for the buttons on my top, fiddling with them, attempting to find the words _"Ummmm"_ I strained, _"there's something I need to tell you"_ She looked at me, innocently, taking in everything I was saying.

_"JEN, PHONE FOR YA!"_ Shouted an outside voice ... shit Diane as back.

_"Guess Diane's back"_ Tilly said, stating the obvious. _"I didn't even hear her come home... I had my mind on other things"_ She smiled to herself, a knowing look crossing her face. I knew what she meant, I could see the glee in her eyes; the look of victory. It tore at me. I wanted to kiss her, I wanted to forget and hide away with her like nothing was happening. But it was. It was quickly catching up with me – my inner guilt. She nibbled her lip, looking at me like I was still naked.

_"You have to know"_ I started _"I..."_

_"JEN... CAN YOU HEAR ME?"_ Shouted Diane from downstairs

_"It's Okay"_ Tilly answered to my unspoken question, running her hand up my arm, my skin shivering in response to her touch._ "It can wait – I'll still be here"_ She smiled at me and I kissed her, the words taken from me. I stood up, leaving her wrapped in my sheets, the smell of ecstasy still lingering in the air. What do I do? This was it! The moment I had been dreading, the moment Mr Keeler required his answer. I knew what I had to do, I had to make things right, but I couldn't help thinking my world was about to come crashing down around me. I took a moment to myself, leaning my forehead upon my bedroom door as I stood on the landing. _"I love you"_ was all I could manage, a whisper. I wanted to say this to her face, I wanted to take her in my arms and tell her everything would be okay. But I knew I couldn't, it wasn't okay. She wouldn't understand. She wouldn't understand why I was doing this, why I was letting us go. But I had to do it. Tilly meant everything to me and I couldn't let her throw it all away. I made my way down the stairs, a false smile upon my face, an expectant Diane and Liam stood waiting at the bottom. I grabbed the phone _"Hello Mr Keeler..." _


	3. Break Up

I knew it was the right thing; taking the job. It was only a year – a year until Tilly would be finished with college and she'd be off to Cambridge, a prosperous future ahead of her. Then, if all went to plan, we could actually be together properly. Together without the worry of people finding out. Until then, I had to stay away – well at least until she was 18, then it wouldn't be so risky. I'd probably still lose my job at that point, but at least I wouldn't end up in jail, forever labelled a paedophile. A paedophile! It was ridiculous, I was only 4 years older than her but I knew that wasn't how it would be seen. I was her teacher, I was in a position of trust and I knew it wouldn't be taken lightly if anyone found out. I'd gone through how I was going to tell her in my head a thousand times, rehearsing my speech repeatedly in the mirror. I had to make her understand that I still wanted her, that I still loved her, everything that I was doing was for her, for her future, for our future. But I was scared. Scared that she wouldn't understand my reasoning, scared that she would think I was callously changing my mind about us once again, scared I would lose her once and for all. I felt sick. I hadn't eaten all day, my stomach churning uncontrollably, the fear of losing her overwhelming me. I had often dreamt of our future, I could almost picture our lives together, sacred images that I felt were about to be snatched away from me by the uttering of my words. I found myself pacing up and down the grass strewn park now, waiting for her impending arrival, the moment I told her the truth.

Tilly walked towards me, a skip in her step, a smile encompassing her face. I could feel my heart beating as she got nearer, I tried to calm myself down, twiddling with the seam on my dress; a distraction mechanism. Upon her approach, she took me into her arms, not uttering a word, kissing me, her lips grazing mine, her tongue slipping through my partly opened mouth. Why did she have to have this effect on me? I just melted into her, my mind completely clearing itself of my prepared speech. She pulled me towards a wooden bench, hidden away in the corner of the park amongst the shrubbery, planting herself down with a look of sheer delight. I could tell she had something on her mind, something she couldn't wait to tell me. I just wanted to kiss her again. I couldn't help myself, devilish thoughts overtaking my brain as I thought of her naked.

With a flutter of paper in my face, I pulled myself out of my dream-like state to realise Tilly was waving what appeared to be a letter in front of me, peering at me expectantly. Taking the paper from her unwittingly, I quickly scanned the first line. A plane ticket! _"Australia"_ I read aloud. Wait! Australia? What the fuck!

_"Then New Zealand... oh and Fiji, leaving Thursday"_ She added. What the hell was happening? I tried to quickly scan over the sheet of paper in my trembling hands, struggling to comprehend what the fuck was going on.

_"Coming back when?"_ I questioned, completely bewildered by this unexpected surprise

_"Well it's an open ticket so a month! A year! Never!"_ She shrugged, clearly enjoying the look of sheer shock upon my face.

_"Tilly... this is insane"_ I shake my head. Horrified

_"I know..."_ She states gleefully, an excitable tone reaching her voice.

_"How'd you even pay for it?"_

_"That's not important"_ She retorts suddenly sensing my inner battle. _"Oh come on you were dying to get out of here last week! What is stopping us? Give me one good reason!"_

_"Tilly..."_ I start, attempting to find the words that seemed to be failing me

_"Come on! It will be just us. Sea, Sunshine, like that day you seduced me on Crosby beach"_ She leaned forward, teasing me, her eyes wandering to my mouth tantalizingly

_"I did not seduce you"_ I utter, rolling my eyes.

_"Oh fine!"_ She counters, moving backwards _"stay here then, settle down, grow old"_ I didn't know what to say, words had completely escaped me _"or..."_ she stops midsentence, making me look up. She leans forward planting the softest of kisses on my lips _"come with me"_ she finishes, her sultry voice revealing her inner desires. My eyes wander over her face, scanning her features, her expression, the need for her building up inside me. I lean forward, grabbing at her neck, a more passionate kiss developing between us. _"I'll say we'll come"_ she laughs, grabbing her bag, making her escape, leaving me alone on the bench.

Fuck! What the hell just happened?

I stayed in the park pondering the events that had just unfolded, knowing I had to put a stop to it before it all got out of hand. I text Tilly, asking for her to return, I had to tell her this time, I couldn't go on like this. I liked her style, the idea of running away together to the other side of the world sounded amazing to me right now too, but I knew it wasn't right, I couldn't do that to her, I couldn't make her give up all her dreams and aspirations for me. She could do so much, achieve anything she desired, she could be someone, I couldn't hinder that. I already felt guilty. My fears from this morning two-fold, knowing how completely oblivious she was to the fact that I was about to put an end to our secret encounters. She found me standing beneath a tree, my worries plain for all to see, _"Hey"_ she speaks, a look of concern upon her face.

_"What kept you?"_ I enquire, feeling like I'd been waiting for an eternity.

_"I came as soon as I got your text"_ She responds, a confused frown forming across her forehead. _"Whats up?"_ I let out a sigh, not daring to peer at her face as I attempt to compose myself, _"Jen?"_ she questions

_"I, ummm"_ I quiver, forcing myself to look at her _"I can't go with you"_

Her face drops,_ "What?"_ she asks _"Look it's okay if your nervous, I am too..."_

_"No Tilly..."_ I attempt to interrupt, trying to stop her trail of thought.

_"But once we get going it'll be fine I promise"_ she continues ignoring my plea.

I open and close my mouth, unable to recall anything from my earlier prepared speech. _"I took the job... at Hollyoaks sixth form"_ I simply state. I can see the light literally draining from her face

_"But..."_ It is her turn now, I can see her struggling for words _"But... that's impossible... you would have said"_ her words stung me, my heart crumbling

_"I should have"_ I confirmed, knowing full well that she was right.

_"Bbbb, this is what you wanted... this is your dream"_ she asserts, trying desperately to convince me I was making a mistake.

_"Yeah it was, when I went travelling it was amazing, it changed my life, but that times over for me now..."_

_"I have given up everything for this"_ her lip trembled_ "For you"_

I shake my head, I wanted to take it all back, I could see the utter heartbreak in her eyes, but I knew I couldn't. _"Oh Tillyyy..."_ I say, attempting to touch her. She pulls back from me, jumping from the feel of my fingertips

_"Don't!"_

She glares at me, her eyes brimming with tears that were threatening to fall. She storms away before I have a chance to explain

_"TILLY!"_ I cry out after the quickly disappearing figure.

My cry goes unanswered.

This wasn't like before, the many times when I'd cold-heartedly backed away from her telling her we were a non-starter, this was real, I knew I loved her now. Standing alone in the park, I struggle to breathe, the feeling of utter hopelessness threatening to engulf me. I find my way back to the bench, my hand stroking the place Tilly had been sat earlier, a lump forming in my throat. I wanted to turn back the clock. Maybe I was wrong, maybe we could just run away together.


	4. Stolen

I'd been sat in the cafe for hours, endlessly stirring my coffee that had since gone cold, my mind abuzz with everything that had unfolded – how could something so great, be so wrong? Abruptly, Liam is upon me, interrupting my trail of thought, questioning my look of complete misery. I didn't need Liam, or anyone else for that matter reminding me I was making a huge mistake when it came to my relationship with Tilly. I didn't need to see Liam's horrified face when he stated that I could get banged up if it continued. I knew that already. But I was devastated nevertheless. Why did things have to be so difficult? I needed to be alone. I needed the space to wallow in my own self pity. As I leave the cafe, I spot her. The girl I've been lusting after, the girl that has completely thrown my life upside down. I stop, unable to move, not knowing what to do. I see her laughing with Neil and I want to laugh with her, pretend everything is okay. She spots me, her smile quickly disappearing, a dark cloud shadowing her face. Neil looks over, acknowledging my need and leaves, a slight sign of encouragement for me to talk to her. I walk over, I can see her body tensing, her face looking anywhere other than at me _"Can I join you?"_ I ask, my voice somehow full of the optimism I didn't feel.

_"Nope!"_ She responds bluntly. My shoulders drop, she isn't going to make this easy on me.

_"Tilly, I'm so sorry"_ and I am. I'm sorry that I couldn't be stronger, that I couldn't be who she wanted me to be. She doesn't say anything. I can see her desperately trying to ignore my existence. _"I said..."_ I try again...

_"I heard you"_ She interrupts _"I'm just ignoring you"_ My heart sinks further. Why couldn't she see I was doing this for her? I step forward, hoping she would give in, that she would see the desperation in my face _"Oh come on, please just hear me out"_ I plead, sitting down at her table opposite her, forcing her to look at me.

_"Why should I? Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to get those tickets?" _I scrunch my face. That was totally unfair. I felt like she didn't understand what a huge risk it would be for me to be with her. I wasn't to blame for this, not completely. She was being selfish. Couldn't she see how much I was hurting too?

_"To be fair I didn't ask you to get them"_ I retort defensively.

_"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't know I needed your permission to plan a romantic surprise" _She bites back sarcastically. I felt bad. She was right. And in any other situation, I would have found it adorable. My resolve wavered.

"_I'll pay you back?"_ I offer, trying to make amends.

_"I thought you were broke?"_ She looks at me, her face clearly unimpressed by my offer

_"I thought you were! Where did you get the money from?" _

_"Oh what do you care?" _Oh Tilly! I wanted more than anything to reach out to her now, to shake her, to make her see what was actually happening. I wanted to scream I love you from the rooftop, to put an end to all this madness... I wanted to kiss her, to feel her.

_"I care" _I confirm. My hand slowly inching its way towards hers across the table

_"Well guess what! I don't! Not anymore!"_ I shake my head in disbelief, pulling my hand back sharply before it gets a chance to touch her

_"Tilly! Your acting like a child"_ I cry out in anguish.

_"Oh yeah? You think this is childish? Well, I wonder what you'll think when I tell the college about how you seduced me"_ A frown forms on my forehead as I look around suddenly concerned others may hear our conversation. How could she be like this? _"Oh yeah!" _She adds ferociously_ "How you used me then dumped me. Your own student" _

_"Tilly don't be stupid!"_ I snap. She was just being cruel. I understood what she was doing – trying to hurt me but she needn't bother, I was already hurting myself.

_"You can't just take someone's heart then throw it away like a piece of rubbish. Let's see how you cope when your world comes crumbling down."_She walks off, leaving me alone once again. Couldn't she see – my world had already fallen.

* * *

_"Is Diane in?"_ She asks, clearly still pissed off as she stands on Dianes doorstep.

"_She's out"_ Oh god what is she doing? Okay she's proved her point, the realisation that she's still only a teenager flashing vividly before my eyes. This isn't the Tilly I know, the mature, kind-hearted Tilly who put everyone before herself, god what have I done to her.

_"That's okay, I'll wait"_ She pushes past me, placing herself down on the settee and looking at me smugly. I can't handle this anymore; I can't stand to let her look at me like this, with a look of absolute hatred.

_"Why are you doing this... why are you trying to hurt me?" _I stare at her anxiously

_"I could ask you the same question!" _

_"It wasn't intentional"_ I say moving towards her _"I never meant to hurt you"_ I sit down next to her, placing my hand carefully on her knee, an act of reassurance

_"Get off me"_ she spits out, blistering me. I wanted to cry again. Her words like a dagger to my already broken heart.

_"Jen?"_ Liam interrupts, coming down the stairs. I take a deep breath with a shake of my head, trying to shake off my hurt. I look at her again, her look of steely determination, I can see she wants to wound me and I don't blame her. I feel completely dejected

_"Whatever, tell Diane, do your worst"_ I get up, leaving her in the lounge with Liam, my whole body aching from the grief that's overwhelming me, threatening to engulf me. She couldn't do anything that would hurt me more than I'd already hurt myself. I didn't care anymore, I couldn't feel any worse; I hated myself.

Unbeknownst to me at the time, Tilly wasn't going to tell Diane or expose our relationship to the world. I suspected back then that it was because she felt ashamed of us. In a way I was selfishly relieved. I had hurt her just enough to be able to hide from the repercussions of my actions. The reality however was much worse, I'd killed any dreams she had for her future. She was on a road to self-destruction. It wasn't long before I'd discovered my car was gone, calling the police in a panic. I should have realised that Tilly was trying to hit out at me any way she could.

_"Ah yes, Miss Gilmore, it turns out the culprit was a student of yours"_ The desk sergeant responds, familiar with my case. I look at him confused, a student? _"Matilda Evans?"_ He adds with a questioning look. Oh crap! What the hell was she trying to accomplish here? I can feel the panic rising up within me as I contemplate Tilly behind bars

_"Ummmm, did she say anything?" _I query hoping she hadn't admitted to anything foolish. This was turning into a complete nightmare.

_"Yes she did...she said that you'd lent her the car"_ He said pointing his pen at me _"How many times we heard that one eh?"_ He adds with a chuckle, I laugh attempting to hide my flustered state. I catch onto the excuse, wanting to help Tilly out despite her trouble-making. I knew she was doing this to get back at me, for all the times I'd thrown us back in her face seemingly without care, I knew she wanted to hurt me, but I couldn't let her ruin her life. I couldn't let her get in trouble with the police for stealing; it could completely ruin her future.

_"Oh, actually she's right I said she could borrow it"_ I quip trying to act convincingly. His face drops

_"So why did you report it stolen?" _

_"My brother did"_ I say looking at Liam, who's now gawping at me wordlessly

_"I totally forgot to tell him, I'm so sorry!" _I continue, hoping Liam's bewildered face doesn't completely give my lies away. I smile as sweetly as I can, trying not to completely lose my nerve.

Initially I was pissed off, I mean I was actually stood in a police station lying, but then it happened. The moment my reality came crashing down on me like a speeding runaway train.

Her dad

To say I was mortified is an understatement. I was completely quaking in my bones. His disappoint plain for all to see, I wanted to help her, give her an alibi, continue my lie to protect her from any harm. But all I could see was the utter desolation enveloping her as her father questioned her actions. His little angel that he'd previously thought could do no wrong, suddenly blemished beyond recognition. I watched their interaction; the all-embracing hopelessness that had hit both of them and I felt so accountable. This was exactly what I didn't want to happen, Tilly giving up her dreams for me, but she seemed determined to do it anyway in the worst possible way. If not for Liam pulling me away I would have spilt everything. For her I'd do anything to get this total mess back on track.

* * *

By the time I see her in the pub a couple of days later, I want to put things right between us for both our sakes. My heart literally skipping a beat as she enters, standing directly within my view as she goes to speak to Esther, unaware of my presence. I find myself watching her, desperate to talk to her, wanting to make amends. Then she spots me. Her face falling, her anguish plain for all to see and she makes her escape, leaving me behind without saying a word. I can't just let her leave like this, I decide, picking up my belongings that I'd scattered across the pub table and running after her. I spot her entering the alleyway and I shout, pleadingly, begging her to stop, to listen. I finally reach her, grabbing her shoulder _"I just want a minute"_ I assert, hoping she'll finally listen, but instead she turns, her face full of thunder as she shrugs me off impatiently

_"And you always get everything you want, don't you Miss Gilmore."_ I don't know why but I'm completely taken aback by her bitterness,

_"I'm worried about you"_ I appeal, struggling to contain my self-possession

_"Don't!"_ She barks. My mouth gapes open, betraying my effort to suppress my emotions _"You don't get to worry about me anymore, or touch me, or kiss me" _My eyes brim with tears, my lip starting to tremble as I attempt to face her onslaught _"and you definitely don't get to cry!" _She looks at me in disgust and my determination fails, tears falling down my face uncontrollably.

_"Please... don't be like this"_ I cry,

_"Stop pretending like this is hurting you" _she glares at me, daggers in her eyes.

_"Of course it is"_ I find myself shouting,

_"You wouldn't have given me up if I'd ever meant anything to you... you couldn't... so it must have all been a lie"_ I shake my head at her, trying her convince her otherwise _"I just can't believe I was stupid enough to fall for it, I can't believe I fell for...you"_ She looks me up and down with a look of revolt and I just fall to pieces. Despite everything, I'm not over her yet, I can't imagine I ever will be.

_"I have never lied to you"_ I state, trying again to make her understand how much of a toll this was taking on me also. She shakes her head at me in disbelief _"I swear... I hate feeling like this just as much as you do" _I maintain pleadingly

_"Tough! This was your choice, live with it, I have to"_ She knocks me down and walks away. Attempting to pull back some of my composure, I wrench my heart back from off the floor and make my way home to the comfort of my duvet. Muffled sobs escaping from within.


	5. Bully

I had been avoiding her ever since our confrontation in the alleyway and I'm beginning to feel slightly normal again. Well, I can go an entire day now without turning into an absolute blubbering wreck which is a bonus as summer is coming to an end and my teaching position about to commence. I stand with Liam and Diane outside the college taking full advantage of my free period before my lesson to grab a coffee and Liam is teasing me about losing my training wheels or wings or whatever he's going on about. _"I'm prepared, I'm focused"_ I state confidently, turning on my heel towards the college. Tilly! Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii iiit! I spot her strolling towards the college entrance and my confidence takes a direct hit. _I'm gonna be late if I don't head back"_ I say to Diane and Liam, my heart pounding out my chest, inventing a smile out of nowhere.

As I set up my art room ready for class, I hear a noise, a movement of a chair. I turn around surprised that a pupil would arrive so early on their first day of term. It's Tilly. Tilly, standing in front of me and she is looking as beautiful as ever. Perhaps I shouldn't say this but I knew she was special from the moment I first lay my eyes on her at the art event and as she stands before me, I feel the urge to give in to her, to throw myself at her. I try to resist, but find myself self-consciously recounting how we met. The fact that everything consistently reminds me of her did not help my current state of mind, I needed to forget her, forget our history. _"What are you doing here?"_ I probe feigning disdain, suspecting something sinister. She walks over to me and I can see the glare in her eyes, the hatred that had somehow seemingly grown since the last time I'd seen her. She shoves a letter into my hand and I'm dismayed to discover her path to self-destruction still hasn't come to a dead end as I realise she's set to change her classes. I could tell this was another scheme of hers to take a knock at me, to take me down.

_"Don't flatter yourself, not everything is about you!"_ She coldly states. I glower at her defiantly as the school bells begin to ring, signalling the start of class.

_"If I'm going to be your teacher, you can't talk to me like that"_ God I was pissed off. She moves closer, inches away from my face, I can feel her breathe, smell her perfume.

_"Then don't patronise me... Missss!"_ You could cut the tension with a knife. I glance over her face, my eyes wandering to her lips, god she is so hot, I wanted to just kiss her there and then and I find myself leaning in towards her. I am completely at war with myself.

A clatter of noise suddenly breaks the friction as people start entering the room, and Tilly moves away, amalgamating with the rest of the students. I lean back onto the desk behind me, panic causing my chest to jump wildly. I need to take control, I can't look weak. I can't let her see how much she is flustering me. I start my lesson... a projection of artworks, inspiration from literature. _"Who wants to go first?"_ I question the class regarding their own inspirations and Tilly's hand instantly shoots up. Why is she doing this to me? I'm trying desperately to avoid looking at her, to pretend she doesn't exist, _"anyone else?"_ I look desperately around the class, searching for a saviour - nobody. _"Tilly?"_ I say in my brightest voice and she looks at me, a look of satisfaction casing her face as she begins

_"I've brought a play, No Exit by Jean Paul Satre. It's about 3 people who are punished for their sins by being locked away in a room together for all eternity."_

I nod, trying to predict where is she going with this

_"It explores the idea that the worst a person can endure is the presence of someone that they wish they could escape from"_

Fuuuucccckkkk! It hits, I force a smile, wishing the ground would just swallow me up.

As the class file out of the room, I call after her. An attempt to convince her she's making a mistake but she's determined to make me suffer with her act of innocence and hidden insinuations. It is only when Diane and Liam enter the rooms with their accusing looks that the whole charade stops and Tilly leaves, a smug look to her face, her untold words like torture to my already guilt-ridden body.

* * *

As the months passed I slowly settled into my role as the new art teacher, Tilly's threats had been exactly just that. Threats – nothing else. I wasn't sure if she was just avoiding me but I never tended to see her hanging out with her friends and she wasn't turning up to class. I didn't know which was worse – having her there in front of me tormenting me or having her just not turning up at all. I'm actually starting to miss her smugness. As I walk down the corridor, I spot Esther sitting alone and I feel so compelled to go talk to her. _"Esther...?"_ I ask looking down at the glum figure before me. She looks up and I can see her inner suffering, her eyes red and puffy from crying. _"Oh, Esther...Is everything okay?""_ I sit down next her, sympathy overpowering me.

_"I'm okay Miss"_ she simply states. I know that she's lying and I wonder what Maddie and co have done to her now. I know that they've been up to something, I just haven't quite been able to catch them at it.

_"You know Esther, when I was younger I was bullied..."_

_"I'm not being bullied Miss"_ She interrupts desperately

_"Erm yeahh okay... Esther just let me finish... when I was younger, I was bullied. I had all these people telling me I was ugly, that I was useless, that I was wrong for liking girls..."_

_"But... Miss"_

_"and I started to believe them, until one day I realised I couldn't. I couldn't let them tear me down, I needed to look at myself and see the real me – that, I was none of those things and neither are you Esther."_ As I finish my sentence I look up to spot Tilly standing watching us at a distance. My surprise of seeing her is evident for all to see.

I suddenly realise I've been staring at her, daydreaming as my affections for her rush to my very core, the realisation that my feelings for her hadn't yet dimmed. I could sense myself yearning for her touch, her smell, her taste. Suddenly feeling exposed, I shut down and bring myself back to Esther _"If you ever need someone to talk to Esther, you know where I am"_ She leaves me there as she heads for class, my heart aflutter from the unexpected vision of Tilly. I didn't even notice Sinead standing there until she mentions her name and I come back to my senses _"What? Sorry?" _I say _"Tilly and Esther... You know I don't know why I even bother talking to you sometimes" _

* * *

The bell goes and I realise I've been mesmerised by Tilly working on her art piece for the past few minutes. It's strange because when she looks back at me, I notice her expression is now different – she doesn't look at me with the menacing look or with the love struck eyes that she once did – and I start to realise she may have moved on. I can't determine if I'm content about this or if I want her to show me some kind of emotion – happy, angry or even sad – just something to reveal she still cared like I did. As the students rush out of the room like it's on fire, Esther enters, walking over to me at my desk, pencils ready in her hand. I've been enjoying her company of late, at lunchtimes, painting to escape the hustle and bustle outside. I know that she's struggled to find her place ever since the embarrassing video of her wetting herself made its rounds around the college and I'm happy that she can find some kind of solace here, away from the cutting crowds. _"Hi Tilly"_ Esther exclaims and I look up from my marking to realise Tilly is still standing in the room, smiling at us. Well, I can't work out if she's smiling at us or just Esther but the sight is a godsend nonetheless. I can feel myself melting, euphoric from the unexpected vision.

_"What you up to, you not coming for lunch?"_ Tilly asks, clearly curious as to what Esther was doing here.

_"Oh ... umm Miss Gilmore was just helping me with some work I've been doing"_ She points towards the figure drawings at the back of the classroom and Tilly strolls over to take a closer look, her dress riding a little up her legs as she walks making me slightly blush from my inappropriate thoughts.

_"Oh wow Esther, they're amazing!"_ My eyes can't help following her as she makes her way across the back wall alluringly, looking at each of Esther's drawings intently. As she turns back around towards us, I quickly try to pretend I'm distracted by something else, an attempt to disguise the fact that her every move had such a seducing effect on me. _"Well... I'm off... I'll see you later"_ She walks over to Esther, giving her a tight embrace and I feel a pang of jealousy rippling through me as she continues to stride out the room, wishing that it had been me.

As I resume marking the work in front of me, I can sense Esther staring at me, urging me to look at her. _"What's up Esther?" _I finally ask, starting to feel uncomfortable under her surveillance. My eyes still on the art work in front of me.

_"Nothing Miss... it's just... you know..."_ She stutters, clearly struggling with whatever is on her mind _"...If you like someone you should just tell her how you feel right?"_ Her words jolt me to attention and I look up struggling to contain my alarm. Aware that my secret might be out, my mind is racing with a thousand questions. Surely I'm not that obvious.

_"Tell who? Esther... what are you talking about?"_ I enquire unnerved...

_"Miss... I...Tilly!"_ I can almost feel my forehead sweating, my whole body shaking, envisions of the whole college gossiping about me lusting after students running through my head, the feeling like the walls are closing in on me overwhelming me

_"Esther! Don't be so ridiculous!"_ I snap and I can see the shock in her face as she visibly recoils from my screech. I instantly regret my sudden outburst. _"Esther..."_ She grabs her bag, clearly wounded, _"Esther... I'm sorry"_ I shout as she hurriedly leaves the room. Shit!

* * *

At the end of the day, I spot Esther making her way across the car park alone. I'm standing at the top of the college steps and I find myself having to run after her to catch up. _"ESTHER..."_ I shriek across the car park, finally bringing her to a halt. She looks around trying to find where the voice is coming from and i'm nearly there when Tilly comes out of nowhere, wrapping Esther up in her arms. I stop running, the sight in front of me totally taking the wind out of my sail, their embrace too prolonged for my liking. Tilly pulls back from the hug, her hands still upon Esther's waist, her face moving towards Esther's in slow motion. What the hell? My mind wandering back to my earlier observation that she had appeared to have moved on. Sinead's comment about the two of them... what was she saying? I hadn't been listening. Damn it! Was Esther talking about me or her? I had automatically presumed at the time she had meant me...but had she been talking about herself? Shit!

I gawp as Tilly produces a kiss on Esther's cheek, a smile upon her lips. I could feel myself succumbing to the pain and I wanted to just runaway and hide when Mr Keeler shouts me from afar shocking me back to submission.

_"Jen, I was wondering if I could have a word..."_ He asks sternly as he reaches me. _"It's about you and one of your students"_ I can feel the dread rising through me, oh god, he knows...


	6. Keeler

Have you ever had a moment in your life when your whole existence flashes before your very eyes and you wonder how it all went so dreadfully wrong – well, that is me, now, 0 to 21 years in a matter of seconds. I feel like my mind is about to explode, my head spinning uncontrollably.

_"Jen?"_

I'm struggling to breathe and I feel like I'm about to pass out.

_"Jen!"_

I don't know where to look – at Tilly or at the man demanding my attention in front of me. Has Tilly fallen for Esther? Is that what's been happening here right before me? Tilly now likes Esther?

_"Jen!"_

My attention is abruptly brought back to the forefront; suddenly aware Keeler's been calling my name on repeat

_"Jen...Are you okay... your looking a bit...pale?"_

Oh god Keeler knows! _"I... um... sorry... I ..."_ I struggle, gasping for air

_"Come back inside..."_ He gestures towards the college with a concerned expression upon his face. I'm amazed he seems so anxious about me considering he knows I've been shagging one of his pupils. I look at him apprehensively attempting to read his face, his thoughts. My whole body tensing, my trepidation hitting boiling point as I attempt to think of excuses for my paedophilic behaviour

_"Sorry..."_ I repeat glumly, following his lead back into the building with a quick glance over my shoulder towards Tilly and Esther who were now strolling through the college gates hand in hand. Perhaps this is what is meant by the word heartsick. My heart and my stomach and my whole insides felt empty and hollow and aching. I wanted to run away, the mental pictures of me being hauled away in handcuffs whilst Tilly skipped merrily into the sunset with Esther overflowing my brain. It's funny because in reality I'm actually more concerned about Tilly and Esther, than I am about myself being arrested. Despite everything, I still held onto the dream that one day me and Tilly could actually happen, that we could actually be together, that we, together, had a future. When things had calmed down, when Tilly turned 18, when she was no longer my student – we'd have all the freedom in the world. I still dreamt that one day I'd be able to announce to everybody that Tilly was my girl, my one and only, that one day I'll be able to walk down the street publicly holding her hand, our fingers entwined, not caring who saw us. That I could tell her I loved her, that she was my eternity, my heaven, my forever. Sometimes, life had a cruel sense of humour, giving you the thing you always wanted at the worst possible time and Tilly was everything I had ever wanted or even needed. I hungered for her taste, her smell, the feel of her soul touching mine. And now, those dreams were shattering right before my very eyes. I just wanted to curl up and cry in an attempt to fend myself from the heartbreak that lay before me.

_"Here Jen..."_ Keeler says, pushing a glass of water towards me _"Are you okay?"_

I sit down on one of the small plastic chairs that lay in the college reception, completely numb, slowing drowning in my own grief.

_"Errrmmm yeah ... I... errrmm... just feel a bit ... I think I'm coming down with a bug"_ I splutter, taking gulps of water through shaking hands.

_"HA! Well luckily we only have a couple of days until half term – you'll be able to take a well deserved break!"_ He laughs. I'm confused. His approach too jovial_ "I wanted to ask you about a student, but it can wait..."_

I look at him perplexed and he pats my shoulder. _"...you get yourself home"_ well this is a turn for the books, I realise, my breathing slowly returning to a somewhat normal state

_"Who?"_ I query, the realisation that things weren't as they seemed finally dawning on me

_"Esther Bloom"_

_"Esther?"_ I say repeating his words, my face contorting as an image of her and Tilly entered my head. Bloody fucking Esther Bloom! My competition. My rival.

_"Yeah... Its come to my attention she's been having a few problems"_

_"Problems?"_ My mind is being completely irrational, my internal debate overruling my sanity as I think of ways of crushing my opponent.

_"You've been helping her with some bullies?"_ Ah! The sound of the word bullies suddenly brought me back into context and I felt bad. I was the adult here, the teacher. This was Esther we were talking about – the innocent, kind-hearted Esther. This is the girl who's been tormented by her peers. This is the girl who would rather spend her lunchtimes with a teacher than with the other students. She's been spending her lunchtimes with me.

_"Ah yes!"_ I say, guilt seeping through my veins. _"Some of the other sixth formers... she hasn't said anything... but I do have my suspicions"_

_"Well perhaps – you could – before half term – look into it for me – ask her friends?"_ The irony of the naive comment hit me full on.

Her friends

Her "friend" Tilly you mean


	7. Road trip

_"Tilly can I have a word?"_ I ask as the class file out of the room. I can see her surprise, her shock at the mere mention of her name. I had been avoiding saying it virtually all term and suddenly here I was asking for her attention, her time. I was half expecting her to bolt but instead she stopped in her tracks.

_"Miss?"_ She says. I attempt to hear the loathing, to see the scornful look – but nothing. It's just Tilly. Well not just Tilly – but THE Tilly – the Tilly I love.

_"I... ummm"_ I stutter, her calm presence unnerving me. I didn't want to submit myself to the what if's and why's. The phrase 'It's over' echoed in my head, twisting like a knife in my chest. A simple phrase: Two words, three vowels, four consonants, seven letters. A simple phrase that dug at me, ripped me open, pushed me adrift into the rough sea of heartbreak.

_"Miss?"_ She repeats and I realise I'm just standing there. Only the sound of the ticking clock filling the awkward silence.

_"I...ummm"_ I start again _"I wanted to talk to you about Esther."_

_"Ah..."_ She smiles. She smiles an ungodly smile, her lips calling out to me, tempting me into their charms. Her smile however is for Esther now _"She mentioned you've been helping her"_

_"She did?"_ She moves closer to me, perching on the edge of the table next to my chair, my senses prickling as the smell of her distinctive floral perfume edges into my realm.

_"Yeah... you know... with ummm Sinead and Maddie."_ She looks at me knowingly and I'm flabbergasted.

_"Well yes, about that..."_ I stand up from where I'm sitting, edging away from her, the urge to feel her untouchable skin almost too much for me to bare. I walk over and close the classroom door – an act of distraction with the pretence of privacy to talk about a sensitive subject.

_"Look I don't want to get anyone in trouble" _She exhales - a moment to think and consider. I turn around, back towards Tilly, my fingers twiddling with the hem of my skirt nervously. I can see her watching me, intently through squinted eyes, her brows knotting together slightly in confusion at my unhinged behaviour. I can sense that she's nervous. Not in the same way that I am but in the way of apprehension. Hesitant in saying too much, the fear of giving away incriminating evidence against her friends.

_"Tilly, It's okay"_ I say moving towards her _"I just want to know it's over"_ as I reach her I mechanically stretch out, touching her arm. It alarms me that I would fall back so easily into such familiarity without premeditation. I quickly pull away, the audible hitch in my breathing loud enough for us both to hear. And out of the blue I catch the look.

The questioning look

The searching look

I hope that she see's right through my walls. I find myself wondering what she's looking for. I hope my unspoken words are illuminated, signposts directed straight to my heart. We stand in silence, the two of us lost in our own trail of thought.

_"I won't ever leave you, even though you're always leaving me."_ She finally whispers. I whimper, the double-entendre of my previous comment coming to my attention. I feel at war – I know I can't do this but I want her more than ever. She reaches out and I'm home.

I never thought she'd be the one to hold my heart but as I look at her now – I know – I can't just walk away.

_"Tilly... I..."_

_"TILLY!..."_ George squeals, flying through the door, _"TILLY! Come on... we're going on a trip!"_

_"A trip..?"_ She says, pulling herself away from me, clearly confused by George's excitement

_"Yeah... a road trip!"_


	8. Room 302

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping and I, Jen Gilmore, am the happiest I've been in months. I'm driving in my jeep back down the motorway after my weekend away belting some random song on the radio for all to hear, wind whipping my hair, smiling so much my cheeks are starting to hurt and I'm in love.

In love with this surprisingly glorious weather

In love with life

In love with this feeling I have in my chest

And most of all I'm in love with Matilda Evans

The most amazing, infatuating, breathtaking, remarkably mind-boggling human-being I have ever laid my eyes on. I've been replaying those few seconds on repeat in my mind, the way she looked at me with those incredible blue eyes and took my hand in hers and I can't help but be continuously in awe of her, she's like my own personal drug. I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself, but there's hope here, I'm sure of it. I know it will be difficult for her to trust me again but she was worth the battle.

As I arrive back at Diane's, relaxed and content, I open the front door to discover an empty house. Strange, I was at least expecting Diane and Liam to be in to welcome me home but instead the silence of the household is deafening. I resort to dragging my case in from my jeep and decide on a cup of milky tea and a settle of the sofa but find myself groaning loudly by the shortage of milk in the fridge. It doesn't surprise me to discover that it's Liam's turn to get it, he's probably one of the most inconsiderate people I know afterall.

Pint of milk

Bread – that's gone a bit stale

Something for my dinner

Newspaper

I note, making a list in my head of items to collect from the newagents round the corner. I make my way out the house, grabbing my parka jacket as I leave and observe how strangely quiet Hollyoaks is for once. I convince myself it's due to the holidays and lack of students who usually roam the streets making a racket after drunken days and nights at the student union and enter the store to collect my items. Casually strolling around the store, putting more items in my basket than originally intended, I clap my eyes on the paper stand and I'm shocked by the headlines. Grabbing the paper to inspect it further, I read through the article frantically as a wave of nausea hits me. I'd had my phone turned off all weekend due to my frustration at the poor signal where I was in the Lakes, I hadn't even spoken to anyone. ... fireball, wedding, deaths... hollyoaks sixth formers... hollyoaks sixth formers... Madison Morrison...what...the...I let go of the milk bottle I'm holding, letting it drop to the floor, the bottle smashing around my feet, the milk exploding up my legs. I'm struggling to breathe as the thought of Tilly being somehow caught up in this disaster hurries to my mind. I've got to see if she's okay, – I've got to go to the see her – her house, the hospital wherever. I hurriedly leave the shop ashen-faced, the guy at the check-out calling after me to pay for the spilt milk, I can't deal with him right now. I've got to get to her. I rush to my car, shakily turning my key in the ignition and drive erratically to Tillys house – its empty, nobody is home. My panic is starting to engulf me and I need to tell myself to calm down – afterall, I don't even know if she's involved! I decide to just go to the hospital to check, concocting a plan in my head of how I'm going to ask if she's been admitted.

I didn't know what to expect as I enter through the sliding hospital doors to an onslaught of people from the village in the emergency waiting rooms. What the fuck has happened here? And then...across the waiting room, I see him, my brother Liam, looking absolutely dreadful, a mixture of relief and surprise hitting his face all at once upon my arrival. _"JEN..."_ He calls, his voice croaky from sheer exhaustion.

_"I've just seen it in the paper...and I I... I panicked"_ I say as I reach him, my eyes welling up with tears, he looks okay physically and I'm starting to wonder what the hell he's doing here, when he starts to cry right in front of me

_"God Jen, it's been really bad – Diane is beside herself"_ ...Diane? He confuses me at first and then I suddenly remember Sinead and feel awful. She hadn't even crossed my mind.

_"What the hells happened?"_ I query and he starts to tell me the gruesome tale as I look on in horror at his account. It sounded like something out of an action film – yet this wasn't some stunt in a film, it was real life, people had died. He told me how police had come knocking on the door, Diane breaking down in sobs as the police told her Sinead was badly injured, potentially life-threatening – and they'd been at the hospital ever since. _"and the others?"_ I enquire, fearing the worst for Tilly.

_"Maddie and Jono are dead..."_ He pauses and looks at me, searching my face _"Jen..."_ He adds hesitantly _"Tilly is here... I don't really know how she is... I know she went for an emergency operation last night but... the doctors won't say just yet"_ I feel a mixture of relief and fear rushing over me, she's still alive, that's the main thing, but I didn't know how bad she was. I notice Liam watching me then, I can see that he's attempting to read my thoughts, he knows I love her _"Jen...she's in one of the 300's apparently"._ I'm surprised that he so readily accepts my dilemma here, giving me the easy route to an impossible situation, encouraging me to go find her. I find myself looking around the room, attempting to find a way past security and spot an entrance partially blocked from the view of the security guard. Slipping through the small opening in the doors, my thrill is quickly quashed by my niggling fear of what I may witness when I find her. I'm not sure if I can cope seeing Tilly in hospital. As I press forward through the corridors, I follow the number signs until I reach the 300's. Taking a quick breather, I quickly scan the names listed on the ward chart hanging by the vacant ward reception desk to ensure I get the right room. 'Matilda Evans – Room 302" My overactive imagination making mince meat out of me, considering the worst as I approach her room.

Peering through the door, I see her, wrapped and bandaged, machines surrounding her fragile body. The rooms empty, silent apart from the soft beeping of the machinery. I can see people have been here, wishing her well, flowers adorning every surface of the room. She's asleep and she has never looked so peaceful before, her beautifully delicate features a complete contrast to the usual frown she had been wearing of late. I perch on a chair positioned close to the side of her bed, clasping at her hand as tears roll down my face. I can still feel the warmth of her skin, the beating of her pulse, as I place her hand next to my face. I feel slightly guilty for taking advantage of her situation but am encouraged by the slight response of her fingers slowly grasping mine. _"I love you"_ I say out loud, lightly kissing the inside of her wrist _"I'm so sorry... I didn't want to hurt you... I just wanted to do whats best ... for you... or maybe it was for me and...and...I was just being selfish. I was wrong... and I'm so sorry Tilly, please forgive me... I don't know what I'd do without you"_ I can feel a lump forming in my throat as I make my confession to the sleeping girl in front of me, my mouth suddenly feeling like sandpaper. I decide to go get myself a drink, an excuse for a quick 5 minutes to comprehend everything that has developed in the last hour or so. At the discovery of a coffee machine down the hallway, I stop. I can feel my legs wobbling as I press the button for a latte and so I place my forehead onto the front of the machine in order to stabilize myself, taking deep breaths... just a minute... I say... just a minute until I go back to her.


	9. Fainting

The door was ajar and I could hear the mumbling of someone talking, the voice sounded familiar but I couldn't quite grasp who it was. I was stood outside Tilly's room, in the corridor, trying to listen in but the constant buzz of noise surrounding me made it difficult. The ward was busy and hectic and clearly over strung by the catastrophe. I hated hospitals, the smell of sterility and the look of coldness, it all reminded me of when my mother had tragically died in a hospital bed when I was a youngster. I had avoided them ever since, the thought of them brought shivers up my spine. When Tillys voice entered the conversation, relief swept over me, she was awake, my heart fluttered profusely, a smile crossing my lips.

As I stood listening to their hushed tones, I could sense Tilly was upset and I just wanted to rush in there and hold her in my arms but the fear of exposing myself to whoever was in there held me back. I knew I was being stupid, I had already suffered enough from the same fear in the past and I knew the consequence last time had resulted in me losing her, but I wanted to be rational about this. This wasn't the right time to barge in uninvited, I had to bide my time and respect Tilly's emotional state.

_"I love you"_ she says,the words startle me to attention, I press my ear hearder towards the door

_"I love you too Tilly"_ Came a response. A reply that shocks me to my very core. I'm surprised that she would declare such a thing to the unknown person in the room, surprised that she would express herself to another so strongly and unwavering, surprised that they would say it back. My mind is suddenly a blur, the corridor spinning around me as I black out, hitting the decks.

Do you know there was a time when I didn't believe in love? I thought it was a fairytale, made up by fantasists who dreamt of a happy ending, a lie that was told to little children, so they'd grow up with the hope that they would one day find love too. Father Christmas, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, they all eventually led me to disappointment due to discovering their lack of existence, and I thought that love was the same. The one thing that all human beings looked for throughout their lives was love. I used to curse the person who made up such a word, questioning why someone would knowingly leave people in a state of disappointment for all of eternity. I thought that childhood books such as Cinderella were poisonous to the minds of young children and delusional adults alike. Sure, some were lucky enough to think they'd found it, I however, thought the word love was used too easily, a mistaken identity for lust. I'd lusted after people, I'd been with my ex for two years, happily living with her. But I don't think I ever truly loved her or them. Love escaped me, escaped my grasp. I often wondered how I was that one person that seemed incapable of finding love, I didn't seem to be able to attach myself, I couldn't give my heart away to be trampled over, I couldn't find love in its true form. And then it hit me. She hit me. The person I'd been secretly waiting for my entire existence. She hit me like a stampede, knocking me down and stealing my heart in the process. From the moment I met her, I knew I had to have her, that I wanted to spend my life with her, that I would never be the same again. My heart beat faster than it had ever done before, I felt like she was my second breath, the all-consuming feelings I had for her taking over every aspect of me. I wanted to pretend, tell myself it was just lust, but I knew otherwise. I knew I was in love with her. I'd never felt this way before, the feeling that I would just shrivel up and die if she wasn't somehow part of my life.

_"Esther...?"_ I say aloud. I slowly open my eyes to see a group of people I did not know peering at me. I panic and try to leap up

_"Hey there...hold your horses...you've been out for a while... you went down pretty hard there... we're just going to check you out before you rush outta here"_

_"I I I... I need to go..."_

_"Come on, it's best to be safe than sorry isn't it my dear? We'll find this Esther for you if you like? Is she a patient in the hospital?"_

_"I, I, I..."_ I look around at the faces staring at me, struggling to comprehend what I'm actually doing here on the floor and then it strikes me. I remember. It was Esther. Esther and Tilly in the room talking. I can't stand being here anymore, my chest feels tight and I feel myself developing a cold sweat. The nurse is checking me over, checking my pulse, but I just want to get out of there. I didn't understand why Esther would tell me to share my feelings if she had developed feelings for Tilly herself. Maybe I had been mistaken, misunderstood what she had been implying, maybe I had jumped the gun once again and presumed another person had found out about my relationship with Tilly. Relationship? Ha who am I to joke. I had completely ruined anything we had, bulldozed it to smithereens before it had even started. I could fill a thousand pages telling her how I felt and still she wouldn't understand. I knew I shouldn't blame Tilly for walking away from me but right now, I hated her. I hated her for giving up on us.

I leave the hospital slowly without a sound, my heart shattering to a million pieces as it hits the floor.


	10. Esther

I hadn't seen her since that day at the hospital. I had decided that I needed to distance myself from her, an attempt to bury my feelings. It hadn't been very successful; I had spent the last month moping. Today was a tough one, Tilly was finally back at college and her final class was art. I'd been dreading it, I wasn't sure how I was going to handle having her sitting there in front of me, looking at me. Last night, I'd had the most restless night's sleep imaginable, dreaming up scenarios of what could happen, all of them cutting me to shreds. It was hard for me to be positive now, the dreams I'd had since meeting Tilly had all been knocked beyond my reach, when in reality all I wanted was to be able to find the ladder to grab them back. I realise now, I'd set myself up to fail right from the very beginning. I was never going to be who she wanted me to be, or who she needed. She deserved someone who could be there for her, who could care for her despite what everybody else thought, that person wasn't me, it was Esther. Esther was right for Tilly, she was at college, she was a similar age, she was genuine and true to her word, Esther could give Tilly everything that I couldn't, they loved each other.

As the dreaded moment came, everyone but the expected student came through the classroom door. I'm slightly relieved when I start the lesson, when abruptly the door flies open and in she walks; a slightly battered vision before me. She looks beautiful nonetheless and I can't help but watch her as she walks in the room towards an empty chair, taking a seat glumly. She doesn't look at me, she silently takes out a pen and paper and I can tell she is avoided my stare, the familiar frown of loathing returning to her face. I realise suddenly the entire class is mirroring me, staring at the girl before me, the girl who has just endured a nightmare

_"Right class..."_ I interrupt. Attempting to resume the lesson

* * *

_"I've been told I need to ask you what i've missed!"_

I look up from my marking to see Tilly in all her glory standing there before me. Class had finished ten minutes ago and I'm wondering how long she's been standing there without me noticing.

_"Ermm... yeah... ermm sure... I... well... we've been looking at three-dimensional designs... I can give you the notes?"_

_"Yeah, whatever"_ She snarls, her nose wrinkling in the process. I'm taken aback by her attitude. Her rudeness baffled me, I had thought that, before the accident, she had started to come round to me again.

_"Tilly? Is everything okay?"_

_"Oh what do you care?"_

_"Of course I care Tilly!"_ I say exasperated

_"Oh yeah? Really? Surprising that, considering your virtually the only person in the village who didn't care whilst I was in hospital."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_"What do you think it means? You didn't visit, you didn't ring, you didn't even send a god damn card... yeah so much for caring Jen, oh sorry ... Miss Gilmore"_

_"Tilly... I..."_

_"Save it, I don't know why I thought you would do anything differently. Once again I've fooled myself into thinking I actually mattered to you, that you'd be there for me when I needed you the most..."_

_"Well I'm sure Esther kept you good company"_ I cut in bitterly, she reeled back in surprise

_"Esther...?"_

_"Yeah, you know, your girlfriend"_

_"Girlfriend... Jen what are you..."_

In walks the devil, interrupting us at the crucial moment and I look her up and down with disdain.

_"Errrmm, sorry, I was just looking for you Tilly... shall I leave you a bit longer?"_ Esther asks warmly.

_"NO!"_ I call out piercingly, making the other two jump in shock _"Just leave Tilly! I'll send you the handouts"_

* * *

I'd barely seen her in months and then suddenly I couldn't escape from her. She was everywhere: In my classes, in my house, in the shops, in the courtyard

"Jen...?" She pauses next to me as we pass in the street. She had been through so much lately, it was hard for me not to just take her in my arms but for my own sanity I knew I couldn't. I couldn't bare to be near her for fear I'd crumble. "Jen, I ... I just..."

"You just what Tilly... what do you want?" I know I'm curt cutting her off like that but I can't help myself being angry at her. Whilst I'd been counting down the 365 days until we could reunite, she'd been finding happiness in the arms of another. With Esther. I felt so stupid.

"I..I.. I just wanted to know why you didn't visit?"

"Why would I Tilly? Your my student Tilly. Nothing else" It was harsh and I couldn't even believe it came out my mouth. Complete and utter lies rolling off my tongue ... and before I knew she'd gone.


	11. The Coward

She burst into the room, the door ricocheting off the wall _"You're a coward Jen!"_ I turn from the storage cupboard, momentarily flummoxed by her entrance. Of course I have no idea what she is going on about, and quite honestly I'm shocked she's even speaking to me following our previous meeting. Without the slightest warning, she stalks towards me and she pushes me brashly into the cupboard. I am stunned she shuts the door behind us, slowly turning the key. My breath sticks in my throat, a bolt of exhilarated fear going straight through me. I try to swallow, but suddenly she is so close I can't even think. Not only does she reach for me, she goes straight to the buttons on my blouse, ripping them open and pulling me forward to kiss my neck.

_"Tilly...?"_ I say, I'm completely unaware of what had caused this sudden change in Tilly's behaviour

_"mmfff"_ She mumbles in reply, planting kisses along my collarbone.

_"Tilly?"_ I pull away, looking at her questioningly. She sighs heavily, as if annoyed by my insistence for answers.

_"Liam told me"_ she says quickly, her lips rushing back to my skin, it felt so good, I was struggling to keep self-control,

_"Tilly! What do you mean Liam told you?"_

_"He told me you came to the hospital for me"_

_"But Tilly... I..."_

She cuts me off, kissing me fully on the mouth. Tears well up my eyes at the unexpected tenderness, I feel needy, greedy almost for her touch, as I give into her charms. I don't have a clue what she is thinking or intending to do and I'm kind of afraid she'll come to her senses and not do any of it. I reach for her top, pulling it up over her head and resumed kissing her, grabbing at her, her molten flesh like silk in my hands. Her lips felt like a fantasy, I wanted to pinch myself, ensure I was awake.

Promptly, at the worst moment possible, Esther pops into my head and I know I need to stop this. I'm confused, I don't know what is happening here. I try to pull her off, trying to take back some control of the situation, but she's clamped on to me tightly.

_"Tilly!"_ I say attempting to coax her to let me free but she persists, _"Tilly...stop it"_ I push her back roughly and she looks at me in horror. I can see she is hurt

_"You're not going to do this to me again. I ...I won't let you."_ Tears glaze her eyes and I'm instantly ashamed. _"You can't keep playing with me, I have feelings Jen"_ I'm looking at her perplexed. This entire episode had completely bowled me over, I hadn't even seen it coming and yet I'm accused of playing with her, I'm struggling to comprehend where she's coming from, how this has even happened, how I came to be standing her with her half naked in the art storage facilities.

_"But Esther?"_ I finally ask

_"What about her?"_

_"You and her... your... you said you love her"_

_"What are you going on about?"_

_"At the hospital... I heard you Tilly"_

_"What? When did? Oh never mind...for fucks sake, I can't believe this! Yeah I love her, I love her as a friend Jen! Perhaps you haven't noticed I'm a little short of those lately"_ Her anger is rising, overtaking the upset in the emotions department and I just feel so stupid. Once again I'd completely messed this up. My face flushes embarrassed,

_"Tilly, I'm sorry"_ I choke out, reaching out to touch her face, stroking off a stranded tear that is wandering down her cheek.

_"DON'T!"_ She retorts, pushing my hand away and backing away towards the door, _"I can't believe you would think so little of me Jen... of us"_ She opens the door of the cupboard forcefully, letting it slam against the shelving that held the pots of paints, and storms towards the exit of the classroom

_"Tilly..."_ I call after her

_"don't bother"_

_"But Tilly..."_

_"Seriously, why don't you just leave me alone?!"_

_"DAMMIT...I LOVE YOU"_


	12. Corridor

After all this time, I blurt it out in the most undignified way and for a minute she carries on walking as little by little she digests my words. Coming to an abrupt halt just outside the classroom, it clicks and I watch as she slowly brings her hand to her forehead in disbelief. I can't breathe, speak, swallow or hear anything outside of my own painfully thudding heartbeat as I watch her, willing her to turn around and run back to me, back into my arms. But instead she just remains there in the corridor as if frozen to the spot, unwilling to instantly accept my plea.

I can see her slender shoulders shaking as I wearily approach her, I hear her stilted breathing and I realise she is crying. _"Tilly...?"_ I say softly, extending out my hand to touch her back, rolling the palm of my hand over the arch of her spine. Her body tenses at my touch and she shrugs me off impulsively. It is funny because I always imagined that if I was to tell someone I loved them, they would smile and laugh and kiss me and say they loved me back, but this moment was completely different, there were no smiles, laughs or kisses or any recognition of a shared affection, there was just Tilly who refused to acknowledge my words as if I had just told her the worst possible news she had ever heard in her entire existence. Her silence twisted the knife in me harder each second it prolonged and I just ache to hear her voice, for her to say anything to break the tension.

_"I don't think you really know what love is!"_ She says finally, her words slapping me hard across the face. A heart-wretching slap that leaves me bruised. I guess I should have known that it would have come down to this, that after waiting all this time to say those all important words, that she would disregard them as meaningless. I wasn't sure how I'd got to this point. The point of no return, where nothing but this very moment mattered, the moment I had to convince her that my words were legitimate. I realised with precious little timing that her ship was about to set sail and I needed to jump aboard now or lose her forever.

_"Tilly... Everything I have done... everything has been for you!"_ She gives a raucous laugh, I know it's not real, it's sarcastic and bitter and it eats at me. I would give anything right now to hear her genuine laugh, the one that reaches her eyes to make them crinkle and dance, a laugh that sounds so beautiful to my ears it could brighten up my entire day.

_"For me? How has this been for me Jen? How can you hurting me like this be for me?"_ As I look at her now, her back still facing me, I can almost see the defeat in her posture, the despair overflowing and it kills me. It obliterates my hope. With my last breath I manage to mutter _"I couldn't let you ruin your life"_ before I crumble to my knees behind her, a sob escaping me from within. _"What type of person would I be if I let you give up your dreams?"_ My eyes were scalding, as heart-wrung tears poured from them, months of tears built up to drop at once.

_"But you are my dream"_ she whispers and I look up to see her finally looking at me. Her eyes are red and puffy, her face etched with sadness. The longing I have for her overpowers me as I reach out to her once again, taking her hand in mine. She crouches down beside me, on the cold tiled floor and I gaze at her intensely, wanting to see into her world, into her thoughts and prayers. Silence surrounds us as I rub my thumb tenderly over the smooth skin of her wrist, both of us lost in our own deliberations.

It seemed only a second passed, so fast I didn't know how we'd gotten there and I didn't even consider analyzing it. Tilly was there, leaning into me _"show me then"_ She says so huskily I almost melted there and then. When her lips met mine, I couldn't help the trembling that shivered through my body as I held on to her tightly, pushing her against the wall. I barely registered her fingers at the waistband of my skirt, as she gently nibbled at my mouth but then her hand was inside my pants, pushing her fingers into me and I cry out uncontrollably. The fact that we are stood in the middle of the school hallway, does nothing to deter our momentum, as I let my hands slide down her body, over her supple breasts, my fingers mapping a direct route towards the clasp of her jeans. She was so wet at this point, as I circled my fingers around her sensitive bud, she moans loudly, the sound echoing in the corridor like music to my ears. As I begin, finally slipping my fingers inside her, she stops, pulling her hand out of my skirt, leaving a dull ache between my legs, as she tilts her head back towards the wall, gulping deeply. I pause to kiss her exposed neckline. _"Are you okay?"_ I murmur into her, unable to stop myself from rubbing the point of my nose along her jaw line in order to convince her to continue. She nods her head and I look at her, tears welling up in her eyes _"Baby?"_ I say, the expression dropping from my mouth effortlessly. She smiles, her eyes light up and she laughs. That beautiful laugh of hers I adore so much, the laugh that lets me know everything will be okay. And as I look deeply into her eyes, I finally grasp it. That ultimately, despite everything, she still loves me too.


	13. Desk

Tugging at my hand, she pulls me into the classroom, towards my small wooden desk that is currently scattered with piles of paperwork that I had somehow built up since the beginning of the new term. Perching her bottom on the edge, she looks at me lustfully, teasing me as she adjusts her top to display more cleavage than necessary, and I know that I am gawping. Open mouthed and dribbling. _"Jen"_ She says approachably _"what's different this time?"_

You know, I've been asking myself similar questions to this since I met Tilly – Why her? But each time I come to the same conclusion, it's because she is the one for me, the lid to my jar, the butterflies I feel in my belly, the apple to my pie, my absolute dream. I realised from the very beginning I've been fighting it all, my feelings, but in the end I knew I couldn't hold back or resist any longer. I loved the way she looked at me with those eyes I could stare into for eternity, the way she smiled with those luscious lips I could just eat up and the way her touch felt like Christmas morning. I had never felt like this before and I knew I wouldn't again. It was her. She could tell me the most boring stories and I'd still find whatever she told me completely fascinating, she could tell me the worst joke ever heard and I would still find myself laughing, to me she was everything. The difference this time wasn't how I felt, I had always known I loved her, the difference this time was what I was going to do about it. This time I was going to let Tilly choose her fate and hope her choice included me. This time I was going to explain how I felt about her.

_"I'm going to be honest about how I feel with you."_

_"And how is that?"_ She says, drawing me closer and kissing my neck

_"I love you"_

_"Sorry what was that?"_ She smirks, her eyes lighting the room, as she starts teasing the tips of her fingers up my top

_"I...love you"_ I gulp, trying to stay calm but all I can think of is what I'd like to do to her over the desk.

_"oh yeah? And why's that then Miss Gilmore"_ her hand now unclasping my bra. God I love the way she says my name

_"W..w...when I..."_

_"Miss Gilmore! Anyone would think you were getting a bit flustered!"_ she giggles and bites gently at my earlobe, her breath heating my skin, making me swoon. The hairs on my neck stand on end and I can feel the skin on my face burning as she plays with me. I know she is enjoying mocking me, as she watches me squirm under her knowing fingers. I lightly pull back from her, willing myself to concentrate

_"When I wake up each morning, I think of you and you fill my lungs with such sweetness, you make me happier than i've ever been, I come to work each day hoping to catch even just a glimpse of you, because even if it is just for a millisecond, it'll make my entire day. When the sun goes down and the whole world is sleeping, my world is filled with you because you constantly fill my head – I love you, I'll do anything for you Tilly."_

She pulls me back in, forcibly planting her lips on mine, her tongue slipping through the opening of my lips. I push her back against the table top until she yelps in pain from a protruding paint brush stabbing her in the back. I laugh nervously, knowing that this is leading to something

_"oi"_ she says, nudging at my shoulder _"what's that smirk on your face for? And what the hell are you doing with this desk... I wouldn't be surprised if I found your lunch from last week under this mess."_ I mock offended and swiftly sweep my arm across the table top, clearing it in one fell swoop

_"Is that better my lady? Or would you like it dusted and polished as well?"_ Instead of responding she draws her fingers up the inside of my leg, making my gasp and clutch hold of the corner of the desk to manage my balance. Oh now! Just take me now.

Her tops off, her trousers are round her ankles and I'm on top of her, this day is going better than i'd ever imagined. And then the sound of a distant door opening and closing jolts me to attention.

_"Did you hear that?"_ I question,

_"mmm what? Jen ... come on...don't stop"_

I smile down at the girl beneath me, the temptation of her skin drawing me back, rolling my tongue down to her stomach, the sounds coming from her spurring me on. The whistle of a tune entering my ear drums and I look up, she heard it too, her eyes widening. The sound so close now, it's nearly upon us. "Quick" I mouth gesturing underneath my desk as the door handle starts to shake and I'm quickly trying to re-button my blouse.

_"Ah Jen, it's you! I thought I heard something"_ The security guard explains, his eyebrows raising as he witnesses the state of the papers swept over the floor surrounding me

_"Yes! Sorry! Just catching up, you know"_ I can feel her underneath me as she sits between my legs and I'm feeling rather exposed as I know she can see right up my skirt. I'm trying to sound professional, but I know my voice is sounding high-pitched, unable to disguise the fact I'm so turned on.

_"Ah, well thought I'd come have a quick look, you never know these days with these stupid kids, hormones all over the place, caught two of them in the toilets the other week, having you know...sexual intercourse!"_ I cough, feeling uncomfortable under his gaze, the words sexual intercourse making me dither

_"Oh... I errmm... ah well it's just me this time"_ I fake a smile and my eyes gaze towards the doorway of which he'd just entered, a hint in his direction

_"...Anyway, I'll leave you to it, good night"_ He closes the door, and Tilly's hands run straight to my skirt, pushing it up my legs, making me jump.

_"Ti..lly"_ I say between breaths. I feel the sound of her chuckle vibrating through my leg as she kisses just beneath the edge of my underwear, her soft hair tickling me as it brushes against my skin, I moan uncontrollably under her touch

_"While I'd really like to take my time exploring this body of yours Jen, that's going to have to wait for later"_ She announces all matter of fact, pushing my chair backwards and getting out from under the desk. My jaw hitting the floor as she stands in front of me of pulls her trousers back on. The thought of being left here in such a state pushing me to despair, I know she's being sensible here, but I just want her now. She leans forward, trapping me on the chair as she puts her hands on the chair armrests either side of me, placing her mouth next to my ear _"but later...your in a lot of trouble missy"_ She pulls back biting her lip suggestively. My deer caught in a headlight look causing her laugh

_"The trouble with girls like you Tilly is you're so awfully hard to say no to!"_ I join her laugh as she leans forward again and I await her next suggestive comment, bracing myself

_"I love you"_ 1, 4, 3 – the 8 letters, three little words I've been waiting to hear my entire lifetime.


	14. Dreaming

The glow of the rising sun was slowly encompassing the darkened room, showering it with daylight. The silence of the night overpowered by the awakening sounds of the birds and the early morning risers. Usually this was my favourite part of the day, the time that everything came out from the shelter of darkness, bringing the sound of life with it but this morning I was trying hard to resist opening my eyes. The dream I was having all too delicious to break from. The dream of having Tilly wrapped up in my arms. It felt so real, the smell of her hair hanging over me, I could hear the faint sound of her heartbeat next to me, I could feel the smoothness of her flawless skin as I imagine us wrapped together in my white cotton sheets, all my senses bringing the dream to life. Pulling her closer in my arms, I gently kiss her bare shoulder, the warmth of her skin bringing a smile to my face. God I could lay like this forever and it still wouldn't be enough. Soon the household would awaken, but for now I wanted to force myself into continuing my dream-like state, my imagination running wild as I envisage her calling my name. _'mmmm'_ I snuggle closer into her, running my hand up her body. God this seems so authentic, I wish I could hallucinate like this every time I go to sleep. I hear her laughing, a sweet soar to my heart. The taste of her wild strawberry lips on mine.

_"Jeeeennnn"_ The humming of my name, her voice a syrupy embrace

_"mmmmm"_ I imagine her hands running over me, an involuntary gasp escaping my lips. _"Ti..."_ I don't know if i'm just torturing myself visualising her tongue running up my back but I can't stop this motion picture running through my head. The gnash of teeth clipping my ear lobe, sucking

_"wake up sleepy head"_ No I refuse. My forehead forming a frown as I push my eyelids tighter together. _"Jeennnnn"_ My eyelashes flutter, the bright sunlight persecuting my unadjusted eyes. "that's it lazy bum, open your eyes..."

_"Babyyy"_ I softly say, a smile to my lips

_"I want you to wake up pretty girl, come on..."_

I open my eyes, no longer able to hold on despite my dream still feeding me luscious thoughts. I instantly slip back into sweet reverie, visualising her beautiful face, imagining her tender embrace. Her chuckle; a morning delight _"Til...ly"_ I moan as I imagine pulling her closer still. I slowly adjust, the reality bringing me gradually to life.

Her slightly parted lips upon mine, I could kiss them all day. Is this a dream or is it real. I grab her, allowing my mind to run riot, as I allow my hand to stroke between her legs. _"Miss Gilmore!...naughty, naughty"_ A giggle, her giggle. I push forward, bringing my hands up her body, tugging at her hair, pulling at her to come to me. She is here and I, well I'm living out my reality, the reality that she is somehow laying naked next to me in my bed. For now, I don't care for the how's and why's, I just want to live out this moment. This completely awesome moment. I knew that I could live to be a hundred but nothing would ever compare to this moment, the moment her lips met mine in the morning light. It is often these small moments that make life so remarkable, they hold the power to make every day worth living. She is on top of me, holding me back, a knowing smile crossing those juicy lips of hers. She knows what to do; she knows my spots and weaknesses. The tingle between my legs quickly adjusting to a heavy throb as she sucks on my fingers. Fuck me.

It is only after I have recovered from the repeated bucking of my hips that I start to remember the risk of being discovered. I have no idea what time it is but I know it is way past my usual rising time. I bolt awake, causing a rumble of a moan beside me. _"Jen? ... what's up?"_ She asks

_"Tilly... how...when...how..."_ She smirks. Her eyes gleaming mysteriously

_"Thought I'd surprise you with a morning..."_ A shrug of her eyebrows, a brisk sweep of her hand across my breast, a kiss upon my collarbone. I feel myself getting swept along, flowing out to sea to the island of paradise. _ "Besides... they've left already"_

_"Who?"_

_"The people you're panicking about"_ She chuckles _"Diane... Liam...Sinead...ringing any bells?"_

_"But how..."_

_"I heard them earlier whilst you were, welllll you were moaning about wanting me to..."_

_"TILLY!"_ I cry out,

_"Yeah it did sound something like that."_ She chortles. Teasing me unapologetically as my face turns a deep colour of crimson.

_"Well, Miss Marple, now we've established you're great errrr...detective skills, how about you tell me how long we've got until they're back?"_ I retort, whipping up my bed sheets so it flies up above our heads enveloping us like an open parachute.

_"Hmmm maybe an hour, two at max..."_

_"Plenty of time then"_ I say, tickling the wriggling body below me, as I make my way to the bottom of the bed.


	15. Chapter 15

Standing at the window watching the students arrive trudging through the snow covered paths to college, I shudder from the cold and clasp the warm mug in my hand tighter to me. It had been a long week, the end of the school term was fast approaching for the Christmas holidays and I had a ton of marking to do. As I consider my plan of action for today, I feel a cold set of fingers trail up my back against my skin, making me spill my coffee as I jump in shock. "guess who..." she says placing one hand over my eyes and the other around my waist pulling me to her

"hmmm I don't know... I do have many girlfriends..."

"Oii!... cheeky!" she kisses the back of my neck "I've missed you" I lean into her, resting myself against her frame, momentarily enjoying the feeling of being in her arms

"I've missed you too " I sigh, my lips reaching for hers.

Say it again..." she murmurs against me

"I've missed you...?"

"No the other thing that you called me" She giggles, her hand wandering further up my top.

"My girlfriend!" I appease and she grins cheesily making me laugh out loud. It was a word that I liked associating to her even if it had just rolled unintentionally off my tongue. She kisses me again, a quick embrace before the morning bell and lets me go.

"Well maybe I'll come back later so we can finish what we started the other day on that desk of yours"

By the time the students rolled in to the classroom, Tilly was seated across the room from me, quietly getting on with her work but highly bemused by my slightly frazzled behaviour. The returning images of Tilly sprawled over my table driving me wild, and she knew it. As I splutter through the welcoming of the class, I'm relieved that the students have coursework to get on with and I don't have to teach an entire lesson.

"Miss, can you show me where the pastels are kept?" I look up from my marking to see Tilly standing by the open art cupboard gesturing her hand towards it

"They are behind the door Tilly, should be in a grey box"

"I can't find them Miss..." She looks at me expectedly and I drag myself away from my chair, having made myself comfortable, completely unaware of any untoward behaviour she may be planning. Entering the cupboard, I shut the door behind us in order to reach the item she is after. Suddenly her hands are over me. "Tilly!" I let out in shock before she quickly clamps down on my lips.

"Sorry just needed to kiss you again" she finally says "besides I thought i'd give you a taste of whats to come" she giggles running her hand down my front

" oh... is that so...well two can play that game missus" I can't stop myself from smiling as I push my hand inside her trousers and clamp the other over her mouth to stop her from making any noise. Her eyes widening in surprise "shhhhh" I whisper in her ear as she lets out a gasp. I can feel her beginning to move to the rhythm of my hand "Does that feel good baby?" I ask breathing in to her ear, enjoying the fact that I know she is so turned on right now. She nods her head, biting her lip in order to restrain herself "So from my calculations Miss Evans this is usually around the time that you leave me begging for more..." I pull away from her, smirk to my face, grab a few utensils in order to look less suspicious to the outside world and open the door, leaving her panting amongst the art shelves. Glancing over my shoulder, I see her watching me as I walk away and I know she is calculating her next comeback. A thrill running through my body at the prospect. As she sits back down at her seat, red faced and with a look of yearning, I know exactly how she feels and I feel quite proud of myself as I struggle to contain my chuckle. Continuing with my work, pretending I can't feel Tilly's eyes boring into me, I see my phone light up on my desk, a familiar name popping up on screen.

_You're going to pay 4 that! x_

_Pay for what? Xx_

_Teasing me like that x_

_Don't know what you mean ;)_

_I'm so wet I could easily just slip off this chair – how would I explain that 1 eh? X_

I laugh out loud and then suddenly realise everyone can hear me so I attempt to mask it, without much success, into a cough. Glancing at Tilly, she raises her eyebrows, her juicy lips pouting at me and I can't help smiling to myself.

_Meet me after class? X _I type but am dismayed by her response that she has to go to the library.

I'm not sure if I should be worried that I don't seem to be able to withhold myself from her for more than a few hours without feeling like I'm losing the will to live. Plausible methods for treating sex addictions running through my mind as I study her, her every movement increasingly driving me to despair. I can't work out if it's deliberate; her total control over me, but everything she does just seems so overtly sexual from the brushing of her hair from her face to the sucking of the top of her pen. I'm virtually drooling over her by the time the bell goes to signal the end of the lesson, the sudden loud ringing alarming me out of my daydream. Hello my name is Jen and I'm a sexoholic or maybe just a Tilly-oholic. Is there such a thing as sexoholics anonymous? The fact that I'd had sex with her just a few hours previously did nothing to diminish my hunger as I count the seconds until the end of the day. She'd already told me her parents were away, the thought that I'd actually be able to relax with her for an entire night excited me to no end. Perhaps relax was the wrong word but tension was going to be released that's for sure.

I smile

Tonight was going to be amazing.


	16. Chapter 16

**Sorry it's a bit short guys, I'm struggling to find the time at the minute. EB x**

Then the dreaded text came – she couldn't see me – and all my plans fell to pieces. The champagne and chocolates laying to waste on my bed, my overnight bag abandoned. As I sat down stairs on the sofa listening to Diane drone on about babies, the thought of having to spend another night in with Diane did nothing to help my awful mood that had developed instantly at the sight of the message. I was gutted, but our relationship was still on the stepping stones and I didn't want to push her, but coursework? Seriously, our one night to spend completely together and she wants to do coursework. I tell myself off for criticising her, after all her passion as a student is one of the things I usually love most about her. Usually being the operative word here. I suddenly feel like I've been on a Tilly drought for the last century and nothing will be able to compare to the fairytale night I'd imagined I'd be spending with her. I had to restrain myself from begging. I'd never liked the idea of being part of a couple who spent their entire existence living in each other's pockets, but right now I'd quite happily be nested in hers. She made me feel things I'd never felt before, believe that we had a future, I could so easily just forget the outside world when I'm with her that I sometimes have to pinch myself so I don't just fling myself at her every time I see her.

_"Jen, love, i'm gonna pop to the shop, do ya want nething?"_

Yeah Tilly's bed!

_"Errrmm, no I think I'm okay thanks Diane"_ I smile weakly as she leaves the house, leaving me alone with nothing but the blaring television. I decide to text Tilly whilst I'm free from Dianes prying eyes, nothing like a bit of healthy distraction for Tilly to deal with from me. My phone rests in the palms of my hands, as I anticipate her response, which comes within seconds. I smile to myself as I read it, the image of Tilly plugging away at her coursework instantly coming to mind.

"You have much better restraint than me Ti" I text "I love you x"

"It's got to be in before the holidays, I thought I'd be able to get an extension grrr"

I laugh, silently cursing the teacher who set her assignment, my loathe growing instantly of them. Before I know it, Diane's back rambling on about god knows what and I slip my phone back out of sight into my pocket. I'm trying to block her out as I watch whatever trash television is on, when she starts talking about Esther and Tilly in the courtyard,

_"What? Sorry Diane, what about them in the courtyard?"_

_"Just seen them, I was going to say hello but Tilly seemed to run away at the sight of me – rather rude if you ask me!"_

_"Tilly?"_

_"Yes – and Esther!"_

I'm just sitting there, a confused frown upon my face. What does she mean she saw Tilly? The Tilly that just text me saying she was sat at her computer? I want to take out my phone again and demand an explanation but the fact that I have so easily jumped to mistaken conclusions in the past holds me back. Diane must be mistaken, her description of the event seems completely out of character for Tilly.

_"Are you sure?"_

_"YES! Honestly Jen, what has gotten into you? I think I know what they look like, what with them being friends with my daughter and all!"_

I'm sitting here trying to think of all the plausible explanations but nothing seems to explain how Tilly could get from her house to the courtyard in no time at all and what was she doing with Esther? I regret not having gone with Diane now so I could have seen it with my own eyes.

The truth remains a mystery... for now...


	17. Chapter 17

"JEN!" my name called out loud in the crisp air. The voice a familiar sound: Tilly. I carry on walking, not ready to confront her. "JEN – WAIT UP..." I turn around, planting a fake smile upon my lips "Tilly? What are you doing here" I ask as calmly as I could muster. "Just stocking up on supplies before I get back to my coursework" She responds, gesturing to the bag of treats in her hand. "Oh yes the coursework...not had enough of it yet?" Tilly laughs; I can tell that she is nervous by the fiddling of her fingers around the tassels of her knitted scarf. "Erm, yeah still got a bit left to write..." Her eyes dart to the side as she is talking, and we fall into an awkward silence, as she avoids my stare. "How did it go yesterday, get much done?" I ask breaking the silence, giving her a way to perhaps mention her venture into the courtyard but she fails to take the bait. I'm starting to think i'm just over-exaggerating my concerns – perhaps Diane was wrong after all, perhaps she just popped out like she is now. "Tils..." I reach out, sweeping my fingertips across her rosy cheek "I love you..." I say, my eyes gazing over her adoringly suddenly noticing how cute she looks with her red tipped nose. I lean forward to kiss her but she jolts back "Jen...not here!" her eyes dart around us, a look of concern casting over her face. I step back again, quickly pulling my hand back to my side "sorry..." I look to the floor, trying to hide my disappointment, I know she is right, anybody could have seen us but I can tell something is wrong - I just haven't sussed out what yet. I nervously twiddle my fingers, silently chastising myself for being so stupid, when I finally feel her fingers slowly wrapping their way around mine. The touch of her cold smooth fingers a luxury that instantly sends thrills down my spine. I am so relieved that I instantly ask her back to mine, forgetting the fact that I live with the O'Connors. "Probably best I get this completed first Jen... although I'll ring you later yeah?" She responds, rubbing my arm gently and walking away in the direction of her house.

I'm left behind watching her walk steadily along the icy paths wishing I could just go with her, my Tilly cravings wanting to get the best of me. It felt like a life time since I'd been able to hold her properly, despite the fact I'd only done just that yesterday. I shake my doubts away, realising I'm just being silly – 1 day and I'm already thinking there's a problem. Yesterday at college, everything was fine, more than fine, everything was amazing. So what if she had to call off our date – she had coursework to do. I had to remember she was still a college student, it hadn't been long since I was in the same position as her, constantly plugging away at assignments and projects, all greatly damaging my so-called social life. It was Tilly's determination to succeed at whatever she set her mind to that made me admire her so much. Realising I've just been standing in the same spot watching the outline of Tilly fade in to the distance, I begin to gather myself together again. Making my way back to the comfort of the O'Connors household, the thought of the warm fire and a lovely cup of tea spurred me to walk faster against the biting December winds. Just as I reach the front door, my phone vibrates in my trouser pocket against my leg, and I reach out to grab it before putting my keys in the lock. Instantly, butterflies fill my stomach as I notice Tilly's name flashing up on my screen and I secretly hope she has changed her mind about my invite, constructing ways in my mind how I could sneak her in to my bedroom without anyone noticing... wheres a ladder when you need one? I think it may be too much to ask for her to climb up my tied up bed sheets – would that even work or is that only plausible in a movie?

"Hey you! Sorry bout earlier, just didn't want 2 get caught. Want to see you tho to talk – u free 2nite?"

She wants to see me... ahhhhhhhh

I slump myself down on the sofa, a smile to my face – she wants to see me tonight!


	18. Chapter 18

I knock on her front door, her house in darkness apart from the small light glimmering out of her bedroom. I haven't been in her bedroom since the summer and I'm standing trying to recall the layout, the fairy lights wrapping the bedframe, the art works adorning the walls, the alluring smell of everything that is Tilly. And then there she is, standing in front of me, her luscious lips coated in red lipstick calling out to me, I smile as she gestures me to come inside out of the cold, stepping aside to let me past. I purposely brush up against her as I walk past her, feeling her frame against me, the need to just reach out for her there and then almost getting the better of me.

_"Tea?"_ She says strolling in to the kitchen without me before I have a chance to respond. I can hear the kettle boiling and the patter of feet as she manoeuvres around the kitchen opening and closing cupboards. I stroll into the kitchen, studying her movements quizzically, not sure if she has quite realised I'm there next to her.

_"Tils...?"_ my voice breaking into her thoughts, she looks at me and for a split second she has a frown to her forehead, almost as if wondering how I'd gotten there and then it's gone, a look of realisation in its place and I smile. I smile at her utter cuteness, her unconscious behaviour allowing me to see more of her than ever before. _"Everything okay?"_ I ask, walking towards her to wrap my arms around her waist. She nods and I kiss her. God how I've missed those lips. The soft wetness enveloping mine. In all my years, I've never kissed anyone that could make me swoon the way she did, I had kissed a lot of frogs but she was truly my princess. I was amazed at how utterly obsessed I'd become by her, despite my failed attempts to stay away from her, I'd always found my way back to her like my own personal compass. She felt like home to me.

She pulls at my hair, the passion in our kiss become more fervent. I want to just rip all her clothes off, but choose to restrain myself a little in order to take things at a slower pace. I was in no hurry, I wanted to enjoy every last second of being with her, I wanted to take in every last inch of skin, count every freckle, stare into those majestic blue eyes that could tell so many stories if I looked hard enough. I want to kiss her, smell her, touch her in all her glory, taking in very last bit, until it is forever ingrained in my memory. I gently bite her lip and pull away teasingly, my hand sweeping the nape of her neck, I can tell that she is hungry for me, her eyes turning me on as they undress me erotically. Before I know it my tops off and she is grabbing my buttocks to pull me closer to her, pushing her knee between my legs, making me moan as she brushes my inner thigh. I can feel myself getting wetter as she pulls me to and fro along her jean covered leg. I take her hand, kissing her wrist before planting it on my breast, looking at her face intently, trying to read her innermost thoughts that today seem to be locked up elsewhere. I lean forward to kiss her neck, the familiar smell of her perfume bringing me into my comfort zone. I love the curve of her neck, it's the place I snuggle into when we are in bed together, a place that I can be next to her smooth skin and feel her breathing next to me, my head perfectly slotting into the space like a puzzle piece. She pushes me back against the refrigerator, a sharp pain jolting my back as I slam into the handle, making me yelp before her lips muffle my noises. Her usual tenderness all but gone out the window as she roughly pushes her hand into my trousers. In any other circumstances I would have complained but right now I was quite enjoying her control as she pins me down and clamps her mouth against mine, her tongue dancing deliciously in my mouth. As we kiss, I feel the first trickle of wetness along my cheek, unsure at first but soon realise she is crying. Her tears running down her face unwillingly, our mouths catching them as they fall. _"Ti..."_ She stops me finishing her name, pulling me into a kiss again, an attempt to ignore my concern. I try pull away from her, my hand wiping a stray tear that was glimmering its way down her cheek. _"oh Tilly... whats wrong?"_ I query, suddenly full of concern. Her face full of frustration as she shakes her head and pulls her face away from the tenderness of my hand _"don't!"_ she says, pulling me closer again, her hand once again entering the top of my jeans making it hard for me to concentrate. _"Buuutt..."_ she starts to kiss me again and i'm trying to stay focused, moving my head backwards _"Tilly, baby?... what's going on?"_

She moves away from me, her body swiftly across the other side of the room before I have a chance to blink. Her fingers tugging at her own hair with irritation _"I can't do this!"_ she says

_"It's okay T, I know you wanted to talk, we can just talk"_ I respond, moving towards her gently, my arms outstretched.

She tenses, her body flinching away from me

_"No... I can't..."_

_"You can't what?"_

_"Do this anymore" _


End file.
